Closing a Chapter or Book?

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The past three weeks brought me through an emotional journey and exposed my biggest professional mistake I’ve made. I’ve felt humiliation, rejection, and disappointment but thankfully, I am confidently resting in joy. The joy that God graciously protects me especially in my weakness.

I don’t want to ‘spare the long story’ because these feelings and experiences are some that I should not forget.

In March my school (broke my contract and) forced me to move onto our campus. Already, I live in BFE and my job consumes the majority of my week. Therefore I was not looking forward to physically living thirty yards from my classroom. I have no separation in my life. Personal and professional areas have blended together to where I’ve lost any hint of an independent life. Retrospectively, I see that my job’s emotional and time consumption skewed my personal judgment. The environment is unarguably unhealthy. 

 

Usually I jet out off campus as soon as I possibly can on Fridays after lunch but five weeks ago I was here on a Friday night. Coincidentally, so was one of my students (I will call him Byeontae). I wanted to get to know him better so I asked him to town. The majority of the out-of-class time I spend personally with my students still feels like I am working. I was nervous about inviting Byeontae to dinner. I had only talked with him once before and I just wanted to be kind. The evening out with him was far easier then I was expecting. I am a terrible socializer. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in failed attempts to make conversation. But talking with Byeontae, it was effortless and natural. So much so that I asked to meet him the following weekend.

The Han River is my favorite place in all of Seoul and the cherry blossoms were supposed to have bloomed. Byeontae and I made plans to go walking and to play badminton. We didn’t end up going to the cheery blossoms or playing badminton, we just walked along the Han for hours. I calculated we walked around ten miles. During our time, I felt like I was talking to one of my old ‘brothers’ back in Texas. I started to perceive him not as my student but rather as a friend. I know that failure was solely my mistake. And that is the professional misadventure I’ve painfully learned.

I remember when we were about to separate I told him I was struggling with how I classify our interactions. I hadn’t treated him as a student and honestly, and I didn’t want to. I thought that I had met someone (unfortunately ten years younger than me) and could build a relationship similar the ones I miss back home. A relationship I am lacking here.
Strangely though, while we were at the Han one of my Middle School girls was continually texting him. I teased him a little but shortly after, promised to stop because ‘I know nothing is going on…’

Well, I was wrong. It turns out that they were dating. In my mind, I cannot honestly fathom that. How could this guy that I liked so much, that I found so interesting and challenging, that I respected and thought highly of… How could this 18 year old man pursue a relationship with a 13 year old girl?!!? I asked him the same thing and he assured me they were ‘just close friends’. To that I asked, “Why?!” How can an 18 year old man be close friends with a Middle School girl?!

Though his actions scream something contrary, I believed him. It is a little pathetic, but this girl has had a little crush on 80% of the boys in our school. However, all the older guys in the past have naturally said you’re too young in response to her advances.
And that's what I thought it was. I thought the girl was pursuing Byeontae and he was just too kindhearted to tell her to buzz off. Again, I was wrong. He and I were still periodically socializing while they were dating but I just thought she was a crush that he couldn’t shake. I now see that my affection for him blinded me to his true character and the reality of the situation. 

In the following weeks they continued dating yet I was (weekly) telling him he was wrong. And he habitually lied to me reassuring me that "they were not dating" or "were no longer dating". I don’t blame the girl for liking him at all. I, 100% and full heartedly, put the blame on him: the man, the adult. I am satisfied that I did everything I could to clearly communicate to him that what he was doing was morally wrong, manipulative, dishonorable, and perverted. Clearly, he did not care. My biggest regret is that I didn’t officially bring my fears to the administration. I sincerely feel the girl is at risk and I view Byeontae as a real, dangerous predator taking advantage of her. I feel powerless to do anything.
I see now that the reason I didn’t tell the administration earlier was because I was trying to protect him and our ‘friendship’. I’ve since learned that it wasn’t only me encouraging them to stop. The administration had known about it longer than I and had known more about it then I had. 

I asked him one time what his parents must think of him dating a 13 year old child. He said they wouldn’t care as long as he was respectful. I think the fact that he is cruely taking advantage of her lacks real respect. I see now that he was just lying to me (again). If I had an 18 year old son dating a child, I would beat the hell out him. And if my 7^th grade daughter was dating an 18 year old man, I would take her out of the school.
I am also confused with why the others students don't harass him about it? Sadly, I think they don't care about him or her. I'm pretty sure I would have been making fun of any senior in the class of 2004 if they were dating a 7th grader!
Byeontae is new to our school and this situation makes me wonder why he left his former, more reputable school. I asked him twice before why he transferred midway through his senior year and he was slightly evasive. The answer he gave me seemed strange so I wonder if he is hiding something. Maybe he got in trouble for molesting a younger student at his old school?
I don't know what to think anymore. 

In the past three weeks my relationship with Byeontae has completely deteriorated. I battle to even look at him without feeling squeeze. When I see him and the child together, heat radiates in my chest and I clench my fist… and I just want to punch him in the face. But I can’t do that.
I can’t even look at him… I don't know if I’ve ever knowingly seen such a dangerous situation and felt so incapable of fixing it.

The most confusing truth is that I still really like him. I am conflicted because when I think of him, I see a perverted liar that pretends to be a respectable person. Yet selfishly, I’m torn because I still want to spend time with him and I deeply value the time we spent together. But I can’t get past the fact that he thinks it is justifiable to date little girls. Even if they break up (which I have been praying everyday, multiple times a day, that they do), I cannot vindicate him claiming it was an innocent mistake. He made an intentional decision that he still defends.

Three weeks ago I was assigned to work one-on-one with him for a specific department within the school. When we went to vote for my new student-leader, everybody voted for him except me (and one other). I withheld because I had already started to feel repulsed by him. I tried my best to work with him because I think as a teacher; you never want to ‘give up’ on a kid. In Texas I know I taught criminals, mental cases, perverts, losers, druggies, drug dealers, etc. but I thought that it was my job to love and serve them despite what they’ve done. But I felt like working for him was the same as condoning his perverse behavior.

I liken it to my presidential votes. I’ve been able to vote in three presidential elections and with each ballot I cast, I am extremely proud of how I voted. Even though 66% of them lost, I wouldn’t have changed which circle I bubbled (or what name I wrote in). But I am embarrassed and ashamed to be associated with him. Earlier this week I resigned from my position. I think he knew it was coming because I had told him when I was first assigned to him that I didn’t vote for him and felt uncomfortable being around him. Before I quit, I met with him hoping to explain my position. The explanation turned into a two-hour conversation. I feel justified in how I’ve treated him. I was as honest and faithful as I know how to be.

As a teacher, I failed him because I put unfair expectations on him.
As a ‘friend’, I treated him better than he treated me. (And that is expected because: 1. It was inappropriate to consider him a ‘friend’. 2. He obviously isn’t the type of person worth my trust and respect.)
As a person, I just want to kick him in the testicles until he doesn’t have a predilection for anyone ever again.
As a Christian I don't know how to treat him. I pray that I treat him with respect and that I love and try to ‘forgive’ him (but I don’t know what I need to forgive him of? Selfishly I feel betrayed. But I it is wrong of me to feel that. How do I forgive him of taking advantage of a child? That isn’t my role? And he is still taking advantage of her?). I do pray that he and I have a healthy relationship no matter what the context.
-One of my friends I confessed this whole situation to humbly delivered a blow to the scrotum by this rebuke: “Just as inappropriate it is for him to date the child, it is equally as inappropriate that you’ve befriended a student.”
I tried to defend myself but that truth has freed myself of some of the desire to maintain a friendship with Byeontae.

The most confusing part is that if this whole situation hadn’t happened I truly feel like I would have found a ‘brother’ to 'do life with'. It is hard to explain but I related and conversed with him comparably as I do with my ‘best bffs’. I know that is why I feel so hurt by the whole situation.

The Lord is faithful. I am humiliated by my professional misstep but I'm grateful for the correction. I do feel the Lord is changing my heart towards him. I think I will forgive his betrayal in time (if there is a future to our friendship). But I don't know how to approach his... inclination. How do I compartmentalize that?